Want to Join a Mommy Encouragement Revolution?

Yesterday, I read an article written by a new mom who I will call “New Mommy” that made me want to put my arms around her and give her a big hug.

She was at one of the big box stores with her new baby buying formula  when a woman walked by and said to her “Breast is Best”. This woman was apparently a  complete stranger. New mommy did not respond to the woman at the time, but did so in her article. I paraphrase her article here. And I take liberty with her article to make my own points.

New Mommy talked about how this statement “Breast is Best”- clearly used in this instance to make her feel guilty -  did just that.

New Mommy talked about how she KNOWS that breastfeeding is best for her baby.  She  detailed the efforts  she had gone to in trying to breastfeed her infant. 

She talked about the months of crying the baby  - and New Mommy - had gone through as she had attempted numerous solutions offered by lactation consultants, and pediatricians in an effort to breastfeed. 

New Mommy talked about her feelings of guilt that her child was rejecting her or her breastmilk.   

She talked about the feelings of defeat as she finally gave the child formula in an effort to get the baby to stop crying.

So, now she was feeding her baby formula, all while still pumping her breasts, hoping one day to breast feed again.  

New Mommy’s words were “because Breast is Best  - except when it seems like it’s just not”.

I wished I could have helped that mommy - but that’s not the point of the story.

So, there she was in Target, doing what she felt was in the best interest of her baby, and having to face the judgement of another mother.  

All the reasons New Mommy gave could not have been known to this woman passing by as she judgmentally felt the need to tell a fellow mother “Breast is Best.”

My thoughts raced around in my head as I read New Mommy’s words.

I thought “How could she stand silently and accept this judgement?

(Maybe she silently wanted to “accidently” run over “Busy Body” with that shopping cart. Sometimes just thinking something I would NEVER do just makes me feel better! Who is with me on that one?)

Why is it that people feel that they have the right to give such unsolicited advice to other mothers?

What did Busy Body feel she had to gain from this?

Did she justify this as “educating” New Mommy. (In the South where I live, these types of passive aggressive comments are often prefaced by such phrases as “Well, Bless Her Heart” when you know that person doesn’t care anything about blessing somebody’s heart!)

Clearly New Mommy was already feeding the formula so in all likelihood it would be too late to shape her opinions, decisions and behaviors by an offhanded statement. So “Busy Body’s” only goal could be in shaming New Mommy - in  making her feel guilty for her feeding choice. (That kind of shaming makes me so angry! That kind of behavior is not welcome in The Dream Baby Cafe Community)

I get that people are passionate about their causes. There is no one more  passionate about the benefits of breastfeeding and in trying to help mothers solve problems that keep them from nursing their babies than me.

 

It breaks my heart when mommies want so badly to breastfeed as that mom clearly did and find it difficult.

But what I am more passionate about is supporting  and nurturing mothers - parents - in their desire to raise healthy happy children.

Because there is no ONE  thing that makes you a loving parent. It is a combination of tiny daily acts that lead up to a lifetime of love.

 

There is always a place for educating the public about the benefits of breastfeeding, but, never is there a place to be critical about another mother’s feeding decisions.

When you see a mother buying formula, you cannot make a judgement about that decision.

 First of all, that decision belongs to that mother and her family.  

She could have made the decision  - or the decision was made for her - not to breastfeed for any number of reasons.

• It could have been purely from a lack of desire
• or lack of education about the benefits of breastfeeding
• She could have tried and not been successful
• She could have had no one to offer support 
• She could be taking medications that makes it unsafe for the baby
• Perhaps she has medical condition which prohibits breastfeeding
• Maybe the baby has a medical condition that interferes with breastfeeding
• Or did anyone consider that the baby could be adopted or be a foster child?

So, for this woman to casually make a judgement about New Mommy’s choices based upon Busy Body's own opinion was insensitive, uncaring and flat out none of her  business.

This shaming behavior in our current culture is just getting out of hand. Because this issue could have been about anything - not just breastfeeding. It could be making judgements about a mother's decision about working outside the home, or diaper choice, or vaccines, or sleep preferences - the list is very long. 

Any time a cause is more important than a relationship, damage is done to another person’s soul. Any time a controversial issue  makes mothers take sides against other mothers, relationships are broken.

Mothers need the support of other mothers. Mothers need the shared experiences and knowledge that only other mothers can give.

Mothers’  confidence in their abilities is built up when another mom says “You can do this. I’m right here beside you” .

But, when other mothers are judging and harsh and critical to each other, it erodes that confidence and leads to guilt and despair and lack of confidence in a mom’s ability to care for her baby.

 Why not spend that time and effort lifting other mothers up and encouraging them in their parenting decisions  instead of dragging them down?

There are very few decisions that we cannot find common ground on - whether it is working moms or stay-at-home, breast or formula, cloth or disposable,  we are all mothers first with our number one goal to do our very best  for our children .

That may look very different for each of us.  Some of our methods don’t look the same but our goals are the same in the end.

At the end of the day, when we lay exhausted in our beds, we all want to feel that we have been the best moms we could be.

But some days, it does take a community of like minded people who support and encourage each other in the  process of raising a child. We need to hear others like us with the same values and character and beliefs to say “You are doing a good job. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

For some that may come from our mothers and grandmothers and sisters. For others it may be our best friends and coworkers. Some moms need that encouragement from friends we have developed in a supportive community on social media.

So I wondered, “Where did New Mommy get the courage and calm not to react?” I don’t know her  or anything about her, but I suspect that courage, and patience  to stand up to a stranger’s criticism and not react must have come from the  confidence in her decision that  she was doing  the right thing for her baby.

Really, that is always what enables us to stand quietly in the face of judgement and not retaliate, or justify or dissolve into tears or question our own actions.

Confidence in our own decisions to do what is best for our baby and our family will always help us shut out the voices of guilt or shame or confusion.

 Insecurity  will always reinforce those shaming messages that already play so loudly in  our heads.

So how do we get that confidence to stand up to those shaming messages and not let them make us doubt our decisions -or worse- our value as a mother? How do we stand up to those words and not let them cause us to react defensively and lose our own self worth? Where does that confidence come from?  

Confidence comes from success.

Success comes from learning.

 Learning develops confidence.

You started a life long process of learning the day your baby was born.

 By learning more about how to care for your baby, you gain confidence in your abilities.  

 As you see your baby growing happier and healthier, your confidence grows more.

The more confident you are in your parenting abilities the less you will find the need to defend your parenting decisions to others.  

When you understand why you make the decisions you make,  you are not shaken nor do we feel the need to defend your actions to strangers .

There is a lot to be gained by getting to this place. It won’t happen overnight. But it is a journey worth traveling on .

You can continue your process of learning more about caring for your baby here at The Dream Baby Cafe. My weekly newsletter will give you that extra boost of encouragement everybody can use a little more of.  You will also get free tips, techniques and strategies to help increase that confidence.  And from time to time you will get notices of extra workshops and programs you may want to take advantage of.   

Another way to gain confidence in your parenting abilities is to surround yourself with other mothers who are on the same journey with the goals, hopes, dreams and challenges as you. 

Maybe you have friends in a playgroup like that. Maybe you have a sisterhood at work or at your church. Maybe you have been feeling really isolated and  wishing you had more people who were encouraging in your life - I think we can always use more encouragement. I needed that more in my life as a new mom.

That is why I started the Private Dream Baby Cafe Face Book Community -  to give you an online neighborhood to support and encourage you. You will not ever find shaming or guilt allowed there. You can go Here and request access right now.

In the Dream Baby Cafe Community you will also have exclusive access to me and to education that you will not find other places.  I look forward to getting to know you personally there. 

So, lets start our own movement here at the Dream Baby Cafe. A Mommy Encouragement Revolution. Make it a point to encourage another mother this week. If you see a mom struggling, give her some kindness.  

If you find yourself being judgmental about another mother’s decisions, stop yourself. We probably have all had those thoughts from time to time. I know I have had to reexamine my thoughts about this. If you find you do too,  recognize them and let them go. Replace those judgmental thoughts with grace for other moms and then promise to let nothing come out of your mouth that is critical in nature.

And give yourself that same grace in return. Sometimes we are our own biggest critic.

Say or do something uplifting and encouraging for another mom today.

Hop on over to the FB group and tell me some ways you can encourage another new mom who is struggling this week, or tell us how we can encourage you right now in your current struggles. And if you found this helpful, share it with a friend via email or on social media and invite them to join the group too.