Tips for More Effective Discipline

In this 2nd of a two part series on discipline, I give you some tips and strategies for more effective discipline.

(GET THE GUIDE FOR THIS ISSUE HERE)

If you missed the first part in this series, Discipline vs Punishment check it out here. 

And check out part 3 Reasons Why Your Child Laughs When Being Disciplined here

There are a lot of factors that impact discipline and far too many to discuss in one article. But, in this series, the goal is to help you to be more aware of how you interact with your children, and improve the techniques you use to gain their cooperation without the yelling, nagging and repeating yourself constantly. 

In this article, we discuss some techniques that you can use to improve the effectiveness of your discipline. 

 Would you rather WATCH this episode? Check it out on youTube here

I don't expect you to remember all of these techniques and strategies nor do I expect you to put them into place at one time. Just like everything else in parenting, effective discipline takes practice. 

If you identify some areas that you think would benefit your family, integrate them into your current discipline tactics slowly.

If while reading or watching this video lesson, you see areas that you think you should change, work on replacing those with some of the more effective strategies listed. 

I realize that this is a lot to remember. Habits are formed over time, so you may catch yourself doing some things in the "heat of the moment" and realize later that this may not be very helpful.

That is ok.

The first step in correcting something is to recognize it. 

I made a guide for you to keep handy so that you can have a resource to turn to when you need help. You can get that cheat sheet on Tips for More Effective Discipline here.

Now, let's talk about those Tips for More Effective Discipline 

1. Do Everything in Love

I know that this sounds so cliche but I hear so many parents talk to their children in ways that sound - well just mean. Sometimes it sounds like parents don't even like their children. And while I know that is not true, frustration can bring out the worst in our own behavior. 

So, making it a practice to always approach your children with LOVE can help to diffuse that frustration. 

One thing that will help with this is realizing that your child's choices in the future are not a reflection of how good or bad a mother you are. Your job is to love them NO MATTER WHAT and teach and nurture the best you can. But, in the end, their choices become their own.  (Really hard to keep in mind but practice this!)

2. Focus on Successes more than Mistakes

Sometimes it seems that all we do is say NO or STOP or DON'T! Practice looking for ways to say Yes more and NO less. Make a real effort to talk to your child MORE about what they are doing right than wrong every day. Too many NOs lead your child to fight you. 

3. Practice Saying Things in a Different Way

I do realize that, particularly with toddlers, they give us MANY reasons to say NO every day. Making an effort to change the way you say things help so much. 

For example, ask your child for what you WANT instead of what you DON'T WANT. An example of this is changing your request from "Don't stand in the chair" to "Please sit in the chair.

Ask for what you want to see! 

4. Give Your Child Choices

No one likes to be told what to do. And our children are told what to do ALLTHETIME! They can really rebel at this. And that is where fighting happens. Moms say "He will never do what I say" "He doesn't listen" or "He ignores me". 

Take the battle out of your instructions by giving your child 2 choices for your request. Here is how this works:

• Tell the child what you are doing. 
  • It is time to go
• Give 2 choices 
  • You can walk or I can carry you. Which do you want?
• Whatever the child decides, calmly carry on. 
  • If the child walks with you, praise them for cooperating.
  • If you child refuses to come, go pick her up.
• No lecturing. She chose, you follow through with her choice.

5. Make Your Words Have Meaning

When you words have meaning to your child, they will begin to understand consistency and then begin to behave. If you cut out all of the drama, and fighting and bickering with them, and repeating yourself over and over, they will know that when you say something you really mean it.

But, if you tell your children repeatedly to do something, but nothing happens if they don't do it, they have no reason to do what you ask. 

If you repeat yourself until you yell, then you are training your children that they don't have to move until you yell. 

Make your words count the first time. 

• Say what you mean and establish a consequence if needed. 
• Then follow through if you have to.
• Cut out all of the in between bartering, arguing, yelling and get straight to the point. 

6. Don't Ask for Cooperation

This is especially important with toddlers. This is one of my best pieces of advice to limit temper tantrums. 

Never ASK a toddler if they want to do something.

They LIVE for the opportunity to say NO! If you ask something like "Do you want to take a bath now". They will say NO even if taking a bath is their favorite thing to do. When you take them anyway for their bath, they WILL pitch the most dramatic temper tantrum of all time! 

Because you ASKED.

They said NO.

You went ahead and did it anyway.

Now your child feels like YOU didn't listen. And they are mad. 

Instead review "practice saying things in a different way" and "giving choices". 

In this scenario, you could say "It is time for your bath now, do you want to play with the rubber ducks or the boats in the bathtub?"

Now, you didn't make it easy for your child to say NO and he will be more  focused on the choices you gave (ducks vs boats). 

7. Don't Say Anything That You Don't Mean

Up to this point, one of the things you have done such a good job on is teaching your child trust.

You always come.

You do what you say.

But, if you start using empty threats, your child will not be able to believe you. 

• Never threaten your child with something that you will not do. ("If you don't come now, we are leaving you?")
• Never pretend to do something that you won't follow through on. 

Scaring children into behaving is not kind. And you can gain cooperation without threats. 

You may scare your child with threats into doing what you want, but eventually they will challenge you and then know that you are not telling the truth. 

Trust is not something to be taken lightly. And causing fear with an empty threat can lead to a lot of anxiety in children. 

8. Connect before Instructing

One of the most frustrating things in parenthood is feeling like your children NEVER listen to you or they are ignoring you. I have been there. 

Then I realized that they weren't ignoring me, they never really heard me. Even if they answered. 

Children have very limited attention spans and they can be very immersed in what they are doing. 

You MUST get their attention, before you tell them what you want them to do. Because, most of the time, if they are focused on another activity, they won't actually hear you. Your voice is just background noise. 

GET THEIR ATTENTION!

Here is a strategy for this: 

• Get down on their level
• Make sure that they are looking at you
• Give short clear instructions
• Make them repeat back what you want them to do.

(This works really well for all age groups)

9. Focus on the Result 

We will go into this in more detail next week, but children don't always respond to our discipline how we want them to. It is very helpful to learn not to focus on the behavior, but on the result.

What do I mean by this? 

If you give your child an instruction and they huff and roll their eyes and stomp their feet as they head off to do what you ask, ignore that behavior. Focus on the result - which is that they did what you asked them to do.

Their reaction to being asked to do something is not the issue. They don't have to LIKE what they are being asked to do, ( you don't like all of your responsibilities either!) They just need to do it. 

(Later on, you can address the behaviors that you don't feel are appropriate, but for the moment, focus on the positive and give attention to that - They did what you asked.)

10. Take the Emotion Out of the Discipline

Sometimes children can make us very frustrated. But, staying calm is your job. You are your child's teacher and you model appropriate behavior.

If you are so angry or upset that you loose  self control, the child will be focusing on your (out of character) behavior and be distracted from what you are trying to address.

You may need to calm down before you can address your child's behavior. (You may have been in a situation where you lost control and said things or reacted in ways you regretted before. You don't want your child to be the recipient of this. You are much more likely to make rationale decisions about punishment when you have taken a break.)

Children too can lose control of their emotions. They often need some cooling off time too. When your child is having a temper tantrum or a meltdown, it is not the time to try to get them to listen to you. Give them a cooling off period first. 

11. Use Appropriate Timing

This goes hand in hand with the tip above. You cannot effectively discipline a child when they are upset. A child who is having a meltdown or is crying hysterically cannot hear what you have to say. It is always better to wait until you both calm down to discuss behavior. So, pick the right time. 

It is also not the time to discipline in front of other people, including friends and family. Take your child to a place where you can be alone to discuss their behavior. That is only fair. Humiliation is not effective.

12. Separate the Child from the Behavior

Remember that your child's actions don't define him. He is not a "bad boy". But he can make bad choices. Address the behavior that you are not happy with, not the child.

Try saying "Hitting your sister is not allowed."

Not, "You are mean for hitting your sister."

13. Use Consequences Wisely

Deciding on some natural, logical consequences when not in a crisis, is very helpful in letting your children know what is expected and what the rules are.

This technique is the best way to stop your stress including the need for nagging and yelling. It increases peace.

When there is a natural consequence to an action, children know what to expect. Then when they break the rule, there is a consequence already chosen. This takes away the need for nagging, yelling, bargaining and fighting better than any other technique.

It also takes away you being the "bad guy" because your child is the one who choose to get the consequence -  you weren't giving a punishment. Here is how this works:

• During a family meeting, decide on the consequences for problem behaviors. 
• Tie a fair appropriate consequence to each action or behavior. 
• Inform all family members what the new rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them. 
• When the child breaks the rule, calmly warn him of the broken rule and consequence. 
• If repeated, enact the consequence - calmly and without lecturing; 
• Remind your child that he chose this consequence by not obeying. 
• If your child knows the rules up front, there are no surprises. You just need to be consistent. Every time the child gets the consequence, he is learning to trust your word.
• Your child will learn to do what is  expected rather than receive  the consequence. 
• Do not engage your child when they protest the consequence. Just calmly repeat the rule and remind your child that they had an opportunity to obey or choose the consequence and this is what they chose. 
• Do not lecture your child about getting the consequence. Just let the consequence speak for itself and your child will learn. 

14. No Double Punishments

If your child gets in trouble in another place such as school, and she receives a consequence there, let that be their punishment. Don't double punish her for the same crime at home. The school has dealt with this.

If the behavior warrants a discussion  talk about what happened and help your child to brainstorm alternative actions in the future. 

But, they don't need to be punished twice for the same "crime".

15. Help Child Understand Reason for Behavior

If you are having trouble gaining your child's cooperation with your rules, he may need to see some reasons why keeping the rules benefits him. If it makes sense to a child, they will cooperate more.

But some children get caught up in what they think is fair. Discussing this at a neutral time may help. 

16. Allow the Child to Discuss Feelings

Creating an environment that allows children to express their thoughts and  feelings helps create good will. All people need to feel that they are heard. You don't have to agree with your child, and you don't have to let your child be disrespectful,  but hearing what he has to say always helps the relationship. Allow your child to tell you how they are feeling (not in the heat of the moment). Try to see their side but you don't have to agree or change anything. They just need to know you listened.  

Make sure you get your Guide with these tips to keep nearby when you are needing some help in disciplining your child. 

Children's behaviors can really push our buttons. And we can react very quickly and not always in the most effective way. Later on, we can feel really guilty and frustrated. I hope these tips give you some strategies for how to improve the interactions with your child without yelling, nagging or repeating yourself over and over. 

Using these strategies should improve your child's cooperation with your family rules and give you more peaceful interactions with your child. 

Look out for part 3 in this Discipline Series where we discuss some reasons why your child doesn't always respond to your discipline like you expect. 

I would love to know how these tips help you and your family, so come on over to our Dream Baby Mama Tribe and tell me how you are using them. 

See you next time. 

PS. If you missed Part one on Punishment vs Discipline, check it out here.