Punishment or Discipline? Guidelines for Parents for Disciplining Your Children

Does the act of disciplining your child cause you stress.

You don’t know how to get them to do what you want or to stop doing the things you don’t want?

Does just the thought of discipline brings to mind battles and harsh feelings? Maybe you think of the strict parents who punished you as a child and you have vowed to be different but you don't know what to do? 

I get that.

This is probably one of our least favorite parts of parenting.

But, so much of discipline has to do with your mindset (I can't believe I am even saying this because I feel that this word is SO overused these days!) 

But, in this case, how we think about disciplining our children, and how we view their behavior - has a lot to do with how effective our discipline is. 

So, in this 3 part series on discipline, I am going to talk about the differences in discipline and punishment and give you some guidelines for how to look at your child's behavior and how you view discipline overall.  

(Watch Episode 1 of this series on youTube here)

Then in the coming weeks, we will talk about some strategies to use for more effective discipline, and then finally, we will talk about some reasons why your children don't always react the way you expect when being disciplined and how you can respond to them in those situations.

Check out Part 2 Strategies for More Effective Discipline Here

Get the FREE Strategy Guide Here 

and Part 3 Here Reasons Why Your Child Laughs When Being Disciplined

We could talk for a long time about discipline and you will be a life long student of this topic. But, I am going to give you some basic guidelines that will get you started off on the right foot no matter how old your child is. (And it is not too late to make some changes if your child is older!)

So, make sure you check back in for the next parts in this series.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?  

Discipline  -

When we talk about discipline the focus is on teaching the child self control, kindness, respect for others and property, and gentleness toward others.

Your goal is to teach your child appropriate behavioral skills so that they develop life skills and social skills for better relationships in life.

 We have to remind ourselves that babies aren’t born knowing any of that.

And their developmental abilities for learning these skills develop gradually over time. You don't teach something once and you are done! 

 So the first and best way children learn is by modeling the kind of behavior you want them to learn - with your own relationships in the home, with family,  and with people in public.

The way YOU treat people has far more impact on your child then the words you say.  

As they develop and mature,  you add to your teaching in ways that they can understand. 

This is discipline.

Punishment

Punishment is typically used for stopping an unwanted behavior. 

Some parents even use punishment as a way of making a child pay for a mistake rather than learning a new skill.

 It is not necessarily about how to learn appropriate behavior.

You can train your child to avoid punishment without any learning taking place. Your child can learn to NOT do something because they want to avoid the punishment but not really understand WHY they shouldn't do something.

So the first thing you want to do is look at what your motivation is.

Is your goal to teach your child new skills and behaviors or just stopping the things you don’t like?

If you are teaching skills, it is important to realize that your children need to understand WHY you want them to do things or stop doing things. This gets more important as they get older, especially if you want their cooperation (yes, we do!)

Have Appropriate Expectations for Your Child's Behavior

When your child is doing something that you don't like, ask yourself these questions: 

Is it developmentally appropriate?

Should they be able to do this?

Has anyone taught this to them?

( It may be age appropriate for them to be able to do something, but if no one has taught it to them, you can't expect it of them) 

Do they have the self control and the developmental maturity for what is being asked of them?

(Some children are less mature socially and emotionally than others and have a harder time with this.)

If your child is acting in a way that is inappropriate - stop and ask yourself if they have witnessed this behavior? 

Remember that YOU are your child's first teacher and they learn more by example than by the words you say. They will act in ways that they observe the people closest to them acting. Whether we want them to or not!!

I learned this the hard way when my 3 year old got frustrated with his toys and said a bad word. I was horrified and asked him

"Tyler, Where did you hear that?"

I was pretty chastised when he said innocently

"You mommy".

I didn't even realize I had used such a word and certainly not in his presence. But, you better believe I was more careful going forward! 

Check Your Feelings About Your Child's Behavior

Our children can really push our buttons. When they act out, it can bring up all kinds of feelings in us.

It really helps to look at those feelings and emotions their behaviors bring up in us and where we are coming from emotionally when feeling the need to discipline. 

When your child is misbehaving, ask yourself these questions. Answer quickly and  without judging yourself.  

 What am I feeling right now? 

Is my feeling about me or my child?

Some feelings about YOU may be "I am not any good at this.. I should have taught him better.. I am a failure at this.. I am not a good enough mother. I am going to ruin my child..." or any other feeling that reflects how YOU are as a mom or dad.

If you look at your child's behavior and it makes you feel bad about yourself, that is coming from a place of insecurity.

You are taking ownership of your child's behavior. This will lead to ineffective discipline. Try to be more conscious of this feeling IN THE MOMENT.

If your child's behavior makes you feel like other people are thinking badly about you and your parenting, that is coming from a place of anxiety. 

This is very common but it puts a lot of pressure on your child to be perfect for you. This too is you taking ownership of your child's behavior.

Whether your child is a perfect angel in the grocery store or pitches a big huge fit doesn't define whether you are "a good mom". If that is the feeling that his behavior brings up in you, be aware of that immediately.

Your discipline should not be based on how his behavior makes YOU look. 

If your child's behavior makes you feel badly about your child, this can lead to your child feeling criticism and that will often lead to resentment and rebellion.

This kind of thinking often leads to punishment rather than discipline.

I see this a lot in parents who feel like their children's behavior is aimed AT them.

"He is doing this to get back at me, or to spite me, or to make me mad or he is laughing at me."

If you catch yourself thinking these things, try to get another perspective. Ask these questions.  

• Is he developmentally capable of this kind of motivation? (for example, Can a 2 year old really be disrespectful? Can your child really have the ability to plan out her behavior toward you?) 

If the answer is yes, then ask yourself

• What do they have to gain from that?
• Why would they want to do that? 

Then look for another reason.

Always look for another reason for your child's behavior that is favorable for them or punishment will be your goal . 

Lastly, does your child's behavior make you ask "What is he feeling?" What is going on with my child that would cause his behavior?

This kind of thinking is your goal when disciplining your child.

It helps to come at your child with empathy and love and the desire to teach vs a desire for your child to pay for his mistakes.

When you catch yourself feeling anything other than this, stop and recognize and acknowledge it.

 Then try to switch your thinking to "What is my child feeling?"

This will help to stop a lot of battles and resentment and unhappy feelings and help to teach your child instead. 

Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. Just recognize them. Gradually over time you will begin to switch your thinking to becoming more child focused.

Here is an example., You are in the grocery store after work and your child is having a major temper tantrum. You are feeling like everyone in there thinks that you are the world's worst mom. You are getting anxious and find yourself getting upset with your child.  

STOP.

Acknowledge what you are feeling.

Then switch gears.

Ask yourself. "What is my child feeling here? What is causing her to act this way?"

"Could it be that we just left daycare and she has been up since 6 am and she has played all day and she is tired and hungry and this may not have been the best time to come to the grocery store?" 

That thinking may change your perspective and help you to react to your child differently. 

You are better able to empathize with your child if you see things from her perspective. She will feel the change in your attitude toward her, and you are then able to teach her how you want her to behave in this situation. 

Some people may feel this is permissive thinking. But, being in tune to your children's motivation for behavior is the goal for teaching them.

We don't want to be permissive or controlling. We want to teach them how to get along in the world. 

These are 3 guidelines that may make a difference in the way you discipline your children.  

• Decide what your motivation is - are you teaching or punishing? 
• Have appropriate expectations for your child's behavior.
• Look at your child's behavior from their perspective. 

If you can keep these in mind when your child is pushing your buttons, you may find that you have less battles and more cooperation going forward. Your frame of mind can make all the difference. 

In the next article, we will explore some Tips and Strategies for More Effective Discipline and in the 3rd article we will talk about some reasons why your child may not respond they way you expect them to when you are disciplining them (and what you can do) so make sure you look out for these. 

I would love to know what you thought of these guidelines. Which of those feelings have your child's behavior been bringing up in you? Do you feel that this information will make a difference for you in the future? Come on over to our Private Facebook Community and let's talk about it. 

LuAnn Marlow has been a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner for over 25 years. She is also the mom of 4 grown boys. She has practiced in many areas of pediatrics from newborn care, childhood cancer, child abuse and pediatric primary care and more.  She loves taking the frustration out of parenthood so that moms and dads can spend more time enjoying those babies they dreamed of.

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