My First Day as a Mommy - It wasn't what I expected

Have you ever had a dream for your family that didn’t turn out exactly as you planned? Did you have ideas for the kind of parent you thought you would be but things started out a little rocky? What were you feeling?  Frustration? Confusion? Guilt?

Did you feel like you were watching your confidence just swirl down the drain?

Maybe you began your parenting journey right from the beginning by comparing yourself to other parents around you and Oh WOW! you felt that you didn't measure up from day one. Guilt just causes your confidence to spiral even faster doesn't it?

I understand all of those feelings well. So many parents tell me about those feelings. And you know what? I have had those same feelings myself as a mommy. Honestly, some of those feelings helped to shape the way I have worked with parents over the years.

Let me tell you about my first experience with guilt.

I had been a Nurse and a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner for several years when I was expecting my first child. So I felt pretty  confident that motherhood shouldn’t be too much of a challenge for me. I had read all of the most popular parenting books and, of course , I had the education that I had worked really hard for. I had several years of  pediatric experience to draw from. I had followed my little guy’s development along week by week in my OB books. I had planned his nursery out in intricate detail.

When I couldn’t find exactly what I had wanted the nursery to look like, I got out my sewing machine and made all of his bedding and accessories. Then,  I sat in the rocking chair in his perfect little nursery at night and thought about what he would look like and what our first moments together would be like.

I dreamed of that moment when the nurses would hand that little bundle of joy to me after delivery.  We would gaze into each others eyes and fall instantly in love.  

That wave of motherhood would wash over me and I would feel like a mommy at first sight. I would feel an immediate bond with my newborn son and it would be magical. I couldn’t wait. I bet all of you can relate, right? OK,  maybe not quite THAT fairy tale like. But, seriously. I was that bad.  

So, you can probably see where this is headed. After 48 hours of being in labor, Tyler was born. I had never been so weak, exhausted and hungry in my entire life. It was not at all like I had envisioned. When they placed that red faced, swollen,  squalling bundle in my arms,  I could barely gather the strength to hold him. He seemed a lot heavier than 8 # 10 oz.

I looked into his eyes expecting to feel that surge of love and emotion that I had dreamed of. I sort of thought I would somehow recognize him.

But, well, he felt like a stranger’s baby.  Was this what being a mommy felt like? I didn't really know what I felt, except exhaustion. Oh, and, guilt for not feeling what I thought I should be feeling. Was I not cut out to be a mom after all? I should feel more than this, right?

He was taken away to the nursery for his check up. I remember feeling a sudden sense of  panic. I begged his dad not to leave his side. I remember thinking that I must have some maternal instinct in me for not wanting him to be alone.

But, otherwise, I just felt guilty that I wanted to sleep so badly. And that I was so hungry. That was what I felt? Gee. What kind of mom was I?

I was taken to my room where I took a shower and put on that clean fresh Laura Ashley nightgown instead of that ugly hospital gown. I  ate ravenously of my hospital food. I began to feel like myself again. Those feelings of exhaustion began to slip away. Then I began to get nervous. Where was my baby?  What was taking so long with that check up?  

When I heard the clatter of wheels coming down the hall, my heart began to race. When the nurse rolled that little plastic bassinet into my room, my heart started beating wildly.  

As she lifted my son and placed him into my arms, his big blue eyes met mine, and everything I always thought I would feel- the joy,  the overwhelming sense of responsibility, the LOVE came flooding into my heart. And in that moment, I felt like a mommy.

I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. This was MY DREAM BABY. Tears flood my eyes as I remember that moment and I can still feel that feeling to this day. Every time I tell this story I get overwhelmed with that same emotion.

Why do I tell you this story?

We, as parents place such huge expectations on ourselves for how we think things are supposed to be.

We all have a vision of our Dream Baby and for the kind of parents we think we will be.

But what happens when things don’t go exactly as we dream them?

What happens when we don’t FEEL like we think we are supposed to feel?

What if that delivery didn't go like we planned?

What if your friend’s baby never cries and it feels like your baby  cries ALL the time? 

What if you have no experience with babies and you just have no idea what you are supposed to do when you get home from the hospital?

What if everyone is giving you advise and none of it feels right in your heart?

I could go on and on but I think you get it.

I had an up close and personal experience with guilt and my baby was only minutes old. And I immediately made a judgement about myself as a mother.

And that was not the first time I would ever feel that ugly emotion.

Why is it that our first instinct is to blame ourselves and feel that immediate feeling of failure  when things don’t go the way we hoped or expected?

There can be a lot of reasons why we don’t always get our Dream Baby experience right away. But, I want to help you sort through those reasons, starting with eliminating that guilt, and putting you on the right path to getting your Dream Baby back.

Here at The Dream Baby Cafe, my goal is for you to be able to put aside all of the confusing information that you have previously faced and find what feels right in your heart. You will find the parenting style that fits with your unique baby’s personality. You are going to get expert information that is not opinion based, but based on research and clinical practice.  

Over the coming months, I am going to provide you with tips and strategies, information and educational programs  that will build on your knowledge about parenting your baby.

But the most important thing that can happen in The Dream Baby Cafe will be to replace that guilt with confidence in your own abilities as a parent. That will be the biggest transformation here.

Empowering confident parents is my biggest goal.  Your baby will learn to trust you and together we can build the family you have always dreamed of.

The second most important thing that will happen here is the development of a community of  parents just like you.

Parenting, particularly motherhood,  can be very lonely. Very isolating. Sometimes you focus so much attention on helping  your baby grow and thrive and on being the best mom you can be, you sometimes feel like you have lost yourself in the process.

Our private Facebook community will be a loving and supportive place to share your thoughts and feelings,  and make new friends  who are on the same journey as you. There you will gain more knowledge, tips and strategies and encouragement from new friends and me. Im really excited about getting to know you all there. Head on over and join today.

I look forward to our time together in The Dream Baby Cafe. It's going to be an exciting time as your baby grows up. It will be a privilege to share that with your family.

I would love for you to share your thoughts about this post, your biggest struggles, or what you would like to gain from this community. Hop on over to the Facebook group and lets continue the discussion there. And if you have some friends who are dealing with these same struggles, share this article with them.