How Do I Know What My Baby Wants? Sleep, Hunger and Activity Cues

Have you ever thought that you must need to be a baby mind reader to know what your baby needs? Is your baby trying to tell you that he is hungry, orr sleepy? Or is he just bored and need to change his activity? It is actually easier than reading your baby's mind, you can learn how to read to the signals or cues that your baby is sending you that tell you what he needs. Your baby sends you sleep cues, hunger cues, activity and rest cues to let you know what he needs.  In this post, I am going to help you learn how to read them. No mind reading involved; Just reading your baby's body language and facial expressions and vocalizations that he sends you that are a baby's  way of communicating with you. It is all about connecting with your baby so deeply that you see the cues that they are sending and know what your baby is trying to tell you. No mind reading necessary. 

If this sounds like what you have been wanting, you are in the right place! 

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SLEEP AND HUNGER CUES GUIDE HERE

  In my consults with parents, I teach them how to read their baby’s hunger cues, sleep cues and cues about comfort and activity. Because, when you are able to identify these, you can respond to your baby much more quickly. That one skill grows your confidence in your ability as a parent faster than anything else and that decreases your stress levels pretty dramatically. It doesn't matter if you don’t know the answers to all the questions. If you can calm your baby down when they are upset or fussy, you have alittle time to figure everything else out. 

So many times you hear people say, I'll be so glad when my baby is older and they can tell me what they want. But, young babies are fascinating. They are growing so much and they have so many ways to communicate. Believe it or  not, babies are actually really good at giving off subtle cues that tell us how they feel and what they need. You just may not know how to interpret that baby language yet and that can leave you feeling really helpless when your baby is crying.   

But, give yourself a little credit. You have probably already learned more of your baby's language than you realize. You figured out how your baby likes to be held. Or that blanket they like. Or which position they like to breastfeed in. Now you just need to learn that with intention. 

 DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SLEEP AND HUNGER CUES GUIDE HERE

Baby Cues 

 Babies naturally give off little subtle (or not so subtle)  signs that “cue” you or signal you to what they need.  And when you notice these and respond by giving them what they need, they react by calming and settling. And over time, these responses get reinforced and learning develops. 

Baby’s are surprisingly good at communication. We just have to become really good at listening and watching. It is all about connection and learning to read your baby. 

There are two really big benefits to learning to read your baby's cues. The first is the connection is forms with your baby. When you are looking at your baby so intently, watching her face, body language, movements, listening to him, watching the changes in them throughout the day, you know them intimately. You are seeing them. And they are seeing you. You are seeing their reaction to you and their responses to your care and that is very intimate. 

The second benefit to learning to read your baby’s cues for you is that you will gain a tremendous amount of confidence in your own parenting abilities. Because YOU are the one who becomes the expert in calming and comforting your child. You are the one who knows your baby better than anyone. There is no reliance on an app  to tell you when your baby needs a nap. No need to track your baby's feedings. Your baby tells you if she is hungry or satisfied. You can tell that by reading the signs in your baby's body language and facial expressions. You can trust that YOU know your baby will tell you. 

But when you are relying on outside information, like an app , or a book or a chart, to tell you when your baby should feed or sleep or when they should be achieving a  particular milestone, the focus becomes the app and IT is telling you what your baby should do. There is this subtle message that you cannot trust yourself to know. But when you watch your baby for these very subtle cues, the baby becomes the focus and you see so many more amazing things that your baby is telling you. The connection is so much deeper and your confidence in your own ability is so much stronger. Because you are the one who figures it out and your baby tells you. Because, after all, YOU are the expert in your baby. 

There is tremendous satisfaction in having such a deep connection with your baby that you can know what your baby needs with just a look or change of facial expression. No two babies are the same so why would you expect that a device should be able to tell you what your baby should be doing. 

The key to reading your babies cues 

If there is any one magic trick to learning to read your baby's signals it is this.

Start with a calm baby first. 

If your baby is REALLY upset - it is going to be very difficult to understand what they want and even if you figure out what they want, it will be very difficult to help them. So, no matter what else is going on, always start with calming your baby. . 

When your baby settles, you can read their cues more clearly 

(and when your baby is calmer, you can listen more clearly!) A crying baby makes everyone, even the most experienced baby professionals stressed. So, it doesn't matter what is wrong, don't try to fix the problem, cuddle and comfort first. then try to find the problem. (More on calming, in the next post) 

This is my very favorite strategy for calming any baby for any reason. 

Bring your baby into a heart to heart position

 DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SLEEP AND HUNGER CUES GUIDE HERE 

Sleep Cues 

The million mile stare -( not blinking)

(You will catch yourself saying “What are you looking at?

Losing interest in people or toys

Looking away

Rubbing face on floor, person, hands

Yawning 

Face turning red

Sucking on hands 

Squirming 

Jerky uncoordinated movementsArching away

Fussing 

Escalating fussing 

Kicking 

Crying 

Screaming

Parents do a lot of searches for  sleep cues.  As babies start to get a little older, they need a little bit more predictable sleep. As newborns, babies sleep a lot. They basically are only awake to eat. But as they get a little older, they start to have longer stretches of waking time. 

Sometimes babies need a little help falling asleep or they can get overstimulated and can’t fall asleep on their own. Babies who are sleepy can be VERY fussy and hard to settle. In my experience, babies who are fussy all the time are usually babies who are not getting enough sleep. 

When your baby was younger, they needed to be fed every time they were awake. now, You might find that you have fallen into a pattern of feeding your baby every time your baby fusses or cries without even thinking, even if it is every hour. If that is true, your baby might not be hungry, but they could actually be sleepy. Check those cues to see if you think baby is hungry or sleepy. 

You might notice that your baby will take a few sips and fall asleep. If that is the case, they were probably sleepy. Or they may take the whole bottle with their eyes closed  or nodding off the whole time.  Maybe they are pushing the bottle away and fussing and crying again. Or they will fall asleep but when you lay them down they startle awake.  And begin crying.

Maybe you notice that you seem to be feeding them really often and then they are spitting up a lot . Maybe they have recently been diagnosed with reflux because of this spitting, even thought they are gaining above their weight. ( Overfeeding is common - babies WILL feed when they aren't hungry!) Sucking is comforting for babies - especially babies who have always fed to sleep. THEY don't know if they are sleepy or hungry EITHER!)

Try looking for sleep cues and putting them down for naps more frequently,  If your baby is really fussy all the time, look for sleepy cues. They may be really overtired. All of these babies may be really sleepy. 

Maybe you are breastfeeding and baby latches, but is only “pacifier sucking’ but wakes when you try to take him off of the breast. They may be really sleepy babies too. 

These babies are all probably sleepy and need a good nap. Babies at this age can be really fussy if they are not getting enough sleep. The key to this problem is watching these sleep cues above .

Observe your child for a few days and you will begin to spot these cues The key is to spot them quickly and get your baby down for a nap in whatever way you choose. This is worth saying. There are no bad sleep habits at this age.  Actually there are no BAD sleep habits at any age.

(All sleep habits serve the purpose of helping your child  get some sleep. At some point in time, you may decide that those habits no longer are serving your child and need to be exchanged for more appropriate ones.  But, they are not bad habits. )

There is one important rule and that is to get your baby to sleep at the first sign of sleep cues. 

Sleep cycles are very short and unpredictable at this  age. That can be frustrating - especially when you have other expectations.  Because these cycles are short, sometimes if you try to put a baby down when they are not in really deep asleep, they may wake right back up. You may need to use some strategies for getting baby into the bed without waking baby or holding baby until in deep sleep. Other wise, baby might wake quickly and then nap is over.   They often end up taking these tiny cat naps that aren’t very restful for them because they get woken up. They also often take these tiny feedings to fall asleep really often which disrupt their feeding schedule.  These are all considered normal infant sleep behaviors. 

When you notice sleep cues early, you can get your baby down for a nap much more easily than if you wait until your baby is showing late signs and baby is getting really upset.

CRYING IS A LATE SIGN FOR SLEEP. Once his body thinks he is not going to get any sleep, his stress hormones will kick in to keep him awake and he will just cry.

It will be really hard to settle him down then. Remember that babies have no ability to self soothe at this age, so they need your help to sleep. You aren’t forming bad habits, you are trying to help your baby get some much needed rest to help his body not be overly stressed. 

Sometimes you may be able to lay baby down and he may be able to fall asleep. Sometimes you may need to help him. Sometimes he may  need to be in a deep sleep to be able to lay down. He will likely need some sleep strategies for help. Expect that sleep will be unpredictable but will get more predictable over time. 

Watch his sleep cues and this will tell you when he needs a nap.

You notice that I did not mention WAKE WINDOWS. 

If you want to look at wake windows for a guideline, that is fine. But your baby's sleep cues are MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than wake windows.

There is nothing scientific about wake windows. They are again TOOLS not rules. One of those things that someone made up. You think thats not true? Look them up and you will find 10 different wake window charts for the same age baby.

Once you start looking at wake windows you start taking the focus off of the baby and putting it on a clock which makes the baby have to fit into a schedule and that NEVER works.

And it becomes stressful for you because you really WANT your baby to sleep then and you think WHY WONT your baby SLEEP then every other baby SLEEPS then.? ( really they are NOT, I know because they are calling me!) 

If you learn one thing from me it is this. There are some things you will never be able to MAKE your baby do, EAT, POOP and SLEEP ! 

I can't tell you how many times a parent has told me "WELL I NEED him to sleep at this time!! " It won't happen. 

You will be much more successful if you watch your babies sleep cues and put your baby down when the baby shows he is sleepy. There will be MUCH less crying and baby will fall asleep MUCH faster.

Here are some ideas for napping

• Lay him in the crib at the first sign of sleep cues
• Hold him 
• Baby wearing 
• Contact naps
• Feed him is it’s a feeding time
• Feed him if it’s not a feeding time
• Stroller nap
• Swaddle him 
• Call me for more ideas 

 NOTE**If your baby is a bottle fed baby, be careful about overfeeding, this causes stomach ache, bloated tummy, reflux type symptoms, spitting up and excess weight, all of which can lead to stomach upset in baby and more crying. I see a lot of parents trying so many different formulas thinking babies have formula problems but really they are being overfed and their poor little tummies are so distended. 

Have realistic expectations: 

• Babies have short frequent naps at this age
• Baby naps are not very regular at this age
• Babies do not nap on a regular schedule 
• Babies need to wake very frequently to eat
• Babies should NOT sleep very deeply 
• Watching your baby’s sleep cues if more important than a wake time schedule 
• You may notice a pattern SOMETIMES - 
• You  might be able to try to use that pattern as a structure (but keep in mind it is always changing as baby grows

Hunger 

 DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SLEEP AND HUNGER CUES GUIDE HERE 

Hunger Cues 

• (If asleep) Eye movement starts 
• Sucking on tongue
• Sucking on lips 
• Rooting 
• Turning face for food 
• Lip smacking
• Squirming body
• Sucking on hands
• Noises
• Fussing 
• Active movements 
• Increasing noises 
• Crying ( too late) 
• Grabbing for breast or bottle  

I’ve Had Enough

• Body relaxes
• Hands open and relaxed
• Brow and face relaxed
• Stops sucking
• Pulls off the breast or bottle
• Falls asleep
• Happy and content 
• Not fussy 
  
  
  
  

As babies get older, your day might start to become a bit more predictable. You notice that I didn’t say scheduled. I believe that structure helps to manage your day but this is a TOOL for you to use, not a rule.     (Have I said that enough? ) 

I do not believe in putting your baby on a schedule. Trying to fit a baby into a schedule can be very stressful for you and dangerous for a baby. I know that is an unpopular opinion. But, unpopular doesn’t mean wrong.

Structures and Routines are more developmentally appropriate for infants than a schedule. Babies learn by predictability - figuring out what happens next. They learn by stacking habits - when this thing happens then this thing  happens. So using some structure to your day helps your baby learn - and it helps you to learn your baby’s cues. And it helps you to know what to expect too.

If you have some structure to your day, you may notice that your baby may start to show hunger signs around the same times during the day. But keep in mind that will vary. Babies grow at different rates, so some days baby is hungrier than others. Babies also tend to want to eat in clusters in the evenings as they move toward longer stretches of sleep at night. ( a lot of babies have a fussy period in the evening when they just cry more and have a hard time being consoled.)

 We always want to watch for those early hunger signs.  If a baby is allowed to get too hungry, they can get too upset to settle down to eat. ( who doesn't know what it is like to get hangry) As we talked about before, babies have a very fragile nervous system and if they get too upset their nervous system goes into a state of overdrive ( that fight or flight response) and they cannot settle down to eat

Babies need to be in a rest and digest state for feeding. If you try to feed your baby when they are crying or upset, they may end up spitting up or have tummy troubles, or be gassy or have other digestive issues.  Noticing early feeding cues or signals and feeding your baby when first hungry will help your baby's digestion. This is really important for those babies who suffer from reflux, gassiness, allergies,and other tummy troubles.

When I work with breastfeeding babies who are having feeding and latching problems or babies with colic, or bottle feeding babies, we work on slowing down feeding, calming strategies,  and comfort measures. This very important. we work with their neurological reflexes to help with digestion.

 

If you have a baby who suffers from digestive issues, colic, reflux, bottle feeding problems etc, you might want to work on watching for hunger cues, slowing your babies feeding down and working on some calming prior to the feeding. I do a lot of bottle feeding consults and If you would like to schedule a consult with me for this, send me a message or see the resources at the end of the post ) 

Another important message about hunger cues for bottle fed babies - , it is just as important to watch for a baby's  cues that say "I am done", as  the ones that "I am hungry". Many babies are given a bottle and expected to finish the whole thing whether they want the whole thing or not. I watch babies feed from bottles all the time and babies show signs of distress with their faces and bodies that the flow is too fast and they are finished and people don't recognize that. Watch your baby closely for how much and how fast they want the bottle. 

(I can help with this as well if your baby seems to struggle with the bottle see the resources at the end of the post) 

Activity

Engaged and Ready to play

• Happy
• Smiling 
• Eye contact
• Cooing and baby noises
• Eyes wide and bright
• Smooth equal movements of body and arms and legs 
• Hands reaching for you 

Need A Break 

• Breaks eye contact
• Turn their Head away
• Look away 
• Stare off in distance
• Gets fussy 
• Squirmy
• Arches back 
• Body is stiff
• Startles easily
• Frowning
• Hands up in front of face
• Cries 

Needs an Activity Pause  

If you notice baby needs a pause, you pick baby up, bring her to your heart, she settles quickly, then you can start back again.  

Need a Total Break 

Pick baby up. Try to Settle her with a break. If she is having a difficult time settling  Try changing the activity. Leave the room. Change a diaper. Try a feeding. Try a nap. 

As babies get older they spend  more wake time being active and playing. This activity might be engaging in tummy time or it could be a socializing in a crowded room of people at a family event or gazing in your face and talking to you or looking at activity cards or a baby mirror or mobile.

You may see that your baby is looking at you and smiling and then they break eye contact briefly. They then will bring their gaze  back to you once they have taken that brief break. If they don’t bring their gaze back, then you should watch for the next cue to see what they are trying to tell you. 

Activity and engagement cues aren't really talked about much. But, even at a young age, your baby will tell you how much activity they want and when they have had enough. We just haven't really been taught how to know this. ( This is probably the most obvious in tummy time. I hear this when parents say "My baby HATES tummy time. They actually don't HATE it. They are usually just overwhelmed.  I love teaching tummy time classes because afterward, parents say "My baby LOVES tummy time now!) 

Each baby has their own length of time they can give their attention to a person or activity before they need a break. And each baby has their own limit for how much stimulation they can tolerate. Alternating active and quiet play is a good idea.  Pay attention to your baby’s body language and facial expressions and see if you pick up on these signs. Look at the facial expressions. You may notice a look of distress - frowning, a quivering lip, widened eyes, babies can look panicked or frightened in a group setting. or  one with too much stimulation. Some people think that looks cute but that look is your baby asking for help in regulating their nervous system. They are saying, "I can’t calm myself and I need your help.I am getting overwhelmed and I need to borrow your calm. "

If you notice baby needs a break, it may be a total disengagement or just a brief break. Baby might need to leave the room for a moment until they can calm or stop the activity altogether or start a new quieter activity or just take a short a break. Calming measures might include bringing baby to your heart, shushing or humming, some movement, going into a quiet room, feeding or baby may even need to sleep.

The younger the baby, the shorter they attention for activity. But some older babies who are highly sensitive may not be able to tolerate much activity or stimulation. This is very individual and their cues will tell you this. They may be able to pick up and reset then start over again. Don't give up too soon. Follow baby's cues. 

Learning to read your baby’s cues helps build a lifetime of connection with your baby. Now that you are able to look at your baby and recognize their sleep cues, hunger cues and activity cues, you are well on your way to speaking your baby’s language. You understand that sometimes those cues can mean a few different things. That is when you will have to play baby detective. This is when having some structure to your day (not a schedule) helps you to decide what you baby might be telling you. 

If you are playing with a toy and your baby has looked away with a blank stare you might wonder  if  she is  sleepy or does she need a break from this activity? If she just woke up from her nap then she probably just needs a little break. But, if it has been an hour or more  since her last nap, she could be getting sleepy.

Learning to read your baby’s cues has so many advantages for you and your baby.

• It helps your baby’s physical and emotional development and regulation.
• It helps you not to play a guessing game. 
• It helps you to gain confidence in your parenting abilities
• and helps you to trust your own ability rather than rely on technology or someone else’s cookie cutter one size fits all charts and schedules  that tell you what your baby should be doing at what time.

Being able to communicate with your baby is going to give your so much confidence in your parenting ability. And the connection you feel with your baby just cannot be compared to anything else.  After you try these new skills out, if you are finding that you are still needing more help with your baby’s calming feeding or sleeping routines, Check out the other resources below.  Feel free to share this post  and resources with a friend, because they want to have this confidence too. 

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE SLEEP AND HUNGER CUES GUIDE HERE 

How to Prepare for the 4 Month Sleep Regression 

Quickstart Guide to Getting More Sleep Tonight 

Sleep Consults 

Dream Baby Coaching Calls ( feeding, baby calming, bottle refusal, etc) 

Breastfeeding Consults 

The information contained here is for general informational purposes only and is not to be considered medical advice. Medical advice can only be provided in a one on one relationship between a healthcare provider and a patient in a contracted health care agreement. If you are seeking medical advice, you should contact your own personal healthcare provider for individual instructions based on your own personal health history.